I've written some about this topic before, regarding the joy I feel when I see other Autistic people moving in Autistic ways, but today I want to write about how my own movement affects and reflects my emotions. I get a little sweary at the very end when talking about getting rid of the allistic … Continue reading Autistic Body Language and Emotion
BC – Before Children
Flashback Friday – Prophesy at my Summer Job
My 19th summer was spent working at a camp. Groups paid to come and use the campground and the camp provided food. I helped out with various things for very little pay because room and board was part of my pay. There were a few really amazing things about that summer and a lot of … Continue reading Flashback Friday – Prophesy at my Summer Job
Autism and Disability
While taking a break from writing about that horrid autism parent meeting, I realized the other day that it took me until my 99th blog post here to use the word "disabled" or "disability" - so that's been on my mind and there's clearly some stuff to unpack there.. To begin with, I'm not one … Continue reading Autism and Disability
Flashback Friday – Depression
TW: depression, eating disorder, self-harm, sexual assault (very brief mention), and suicidal thoughts/actions. CW: Higher education, therapy. My first official psychological diagnosis was Major Depression nearly 15 years ago. I was in college and, although I'd been extremely excited about attending college at first, my experience had rapidly gone downhill ever since I'd first arrived … Continue reading Flashback Friday – Depression
Flashback Friday – My Spinning Room
CW: internalized ableism, childhood experiences (both positive and negative) When I was in early elementary school we had just moved into a bigger house and there was a room without any furniture in it aside from a dining chair in one corner. I'd sit in that corner chair nearly every day after school because I'd … Continue reading Flashback Friday – My Spinning Room
Blending In, Acceptance, and Disappointing Others
I'm not sure when I learned that I needed to blend in with others for self-preservation purposes. I'm certain that I was very young though. I know for a fact that this knowledge within myself was fairly firmly in place by the time I was 7 years old. Possibly earlier. Blending and the sense that … Continue reading Blending In, Acceptance, and Disappointing Others
Flashback Friday – Planning Everything
[image description: blue sky and cloud background. Text reads: "I picture myself running and my distress pursuing close behind. I will run at top speed if I'm around any other people, but eventually I get tired and the distress keeps getting bigger with longer legs until it can easily reach me. I try to ensure … Continue reading Flashback Friday – Planning Everything
Flashback Friday – Freshman Year of College
CW: Passing mention of being suicidal and (later) skipping meals. I was so excited to leave home! My college choice was even based on the fact that it was over a thousand miles away from my parents' home. I could've gone to a state school, just over a hundred miles away, but I wanted to get … Continue reading Flashback Friday – Freshman Year of College
Flashback Friday – 8 Year Old Hermit Plans
My highest aspiration, as an 8-year old, was to become a hermit when I grew up. Preferably on my own private island. My plans were never verbalized, that I remember. I had an image of myself living like Mary the vulture-lady in the Blossom Family books, picking up roadkill for soup and being all solitary … Continue reading Flashback Friday – 8 Year Old Hermit Plans
Old Writings
I was going through some of my old writings the other day and I discovered a few common themes woven throughout it all. For context, these notebooks were post-college and pre-mother: mainly 2003-2005. I wrote a lot during those 2 years and I didn't have the time or motivation to read them thoroughly, but I skimmed … Continue reading Old Writings
Mamautistic 