I'm going to write about something that feels shameful, but I'm not going to let the feeling of shame stop me from speaking out. Because I know I'm not the only Autistic person this has been done to. This isn't even the first time I've had it done to me, which adds to the feeling … Continue reading Reckoning with Last Year’s Abuse
adult
Broken But Building Back
My words are starting to return a little bit. It's been months. Goodness only knows how long it'll take for them to be back to any kind of "normal" (for me) level. I think I wrote the quoted bit below about being wordless around a week ago. ____________________________ It's funny how wonky time goes. Buried, … Continue reading Broken But Building Back
That Fleeing Feeling
I started thinking about writing this post soon after my child had almost died in the hospital and I was routinely having meltdowns like clockwork every single week. By about two weeks after my child nearly died my weekly meltdowns had morphed into twice-weekly meltdowns -- Tuesdays and Thursdays, every single one. I was in … Continue reading That Fleeing Feeling
Relating to Torey Hayden’s Books
I was introduced to Torey Hayden's books in college by my Freshman year Foundations of Education professor. Her book, One Child, was required reading at some point or another during that year. The class was a year-long class and at the time I was a music education (double) major. I loved that education class, aside from … Continue reading Relating to Torey Hayden’s Books
Internalized Ableism, Others, and Reassurances
Honestly, I've not given all that much thought to internalized ableism. I've read about it, yes. I've even written a little bit about it, but it has never topped my list of "things I need to personally work on." Until now. It has, rather abruptly, come to my attention that I have internalized way more … Continue reading Internalized Ableism, Others, and Reassurances
Just Do It! Or Not.
There's a lot of motivational speak out there that encourages just doing the thing (usually it's the exercise-related ones I see most often) if you don't want to. Generally speaking, that's probably good advice. I don't often want to do various things around the house or to take care of myself, but life is generally … Continue reading Just Do It! Or Not.
Blown Fuses and Communication
It occurred to me today that my communication abilities are a bit like a panel of fuses or breakers in a house. I only have the most basic understanding of electrical stuff, but it seems to make sense to me based on what I know. When I get overloaded in one area, it will become … Continue reading Blown Fuses and Communication
Unlovable
[TW: description of experiencing a meltdown, some suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self-harming, and possibly other things that I can't think of at the moment] I sit here, still a bit shaken by the epic meltdown I experienced three nights ago, and I worry that if my friends really knew me, really, that they wouldn't like … Continue reading Unlovable
Remembering How Others See Us
My time is arranged specifically in many ways so that I can manage life in general. These arrangements also serve to keep me away from professionals, teachers, and other people who have been trained to see us as "people with autism" or "defective" or whathaveyou. Primarily I interact with people who know I'm Autistic, but accept … Continue reading Remembering How Others See Us
Perfection is an Illusion
I'm not perfect. I never claimed to be. But for some reason when I fall short of perfection my brain tells me that I've failed at something that should have been possible. The reality is that nobody's perfect. Expecting it of ourselves or even thinking that other people might be it... can be highly damaging. … Continue reading Perfection is an Illusion
Mamautistic 