For most of my life, my experiences were confusing and inexplicable. I could not explain, even to myself, most of what happened to me, others' reactions, or my own reactions to what was happening. In a post earlier this year I wrote: In the past I’ve run away from these events. I’d never return to … Continue reading Burned Bridges
communication
Convergence
CW: the feeling of overwhelm All the things meeting together. April Autism Awareness, past resurfacing, traumatic space revisiting. Utter exhaustion. Hiding from the world, mostly. Time stretches on, limitless. Pulls, longer and longer. Floating in infinity. Until, like a rubber band, it snaps. Suddenly, it's two weeks in the future and there are hundreds of unread … Continue reading Convergence
Feelings, Emotions, and Uncertainty
At any given time, I cannot tell how I'm feeling emotionally. Sometimes physical sensations can be understood and named in the moment, but actual emotions are slippery and defy categorization. Even once I've managed to grab hold and examine the emotion sometime in the future, it remains largely a mystery to me. "How are you?" … Continue reading Feelings, Emotions, and Uncertainty
Time, Processing, and Transitions
Unexpected events are largely unavoidable. Things happen, stuff comes up, plans change. I understand that. I also live with small unpredictable people, which adds another dimension to unexpectedness. I also recently learned of some insecurities on the part of my allistic (non-Autistic) husband that feed into many of the unexpected event-related difficulties in our marriage. More … Continue reading Time, Processing, and Transitions
Old Writings
I was going through some of my old writings the other day and I discovered a few common themes woven throughout it all. For context, these notebooks were post-college and pre-mother: mainly 2003-2005. I wrote a lot during those 2 years and I didn't have the time or motivation to read them thoroughly, but I skimmed … Continue reading Old Writings
Gentle Parenting isn’t Just for Neurotypical Children
This post is one that's been on my mind for a while now and it got long. I tweeted a short thread about this issue the other day, but I'd like to elaborate about it here also, especially since it's April and articles about "dealing with" Autistic children are being shared with renewed ferver/intensity. Gentle … Continue reading Gentle Parenting isn’t Just for Neurotypical Children
Seeking Understanding
As I've already explored, communication and relationship difficulties between Autistics and allistics (non-Autistics) are not solely the fault of Autistics. Both sides have to seek understanding. To start with the obvious, understanding of Autistics cannot come from reading allistic perspectives of Autistic lives. Allistics haven't lived it. They are only guessing about what it's like to … Continue reading Seeking Understanding
Low on Words
When things get hectic, stressful, or busy I often will get low on words. This isn't the same thing as losing words completely, but my ability to effectively communicate becomes lessened. I began writing this post months ago, but April's interactions with non-Autistics have already stolen many of my words so it's very relevant right now. … Continue reading Low on Words
An Unexpected April Disclosure
In my defense, I thought I could handle it. I firmly believe that we should not need to disclose our Autistic status in order to be taken seriously when we pass along the words of other Autistics. So, I reasoned, I'd post things for April and just elevate other Autistic voices. It seemed like a great … Continue reading An Unexpected April Disclosure
(Mis)Understanding and Responsibility
Learning that I was Autistic was a daunting, overwhelming thing. On the one hand, it explained everything. Learning that I'm Autistic has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But, on the other hand, it's overwhelming and discouraging to think about how allistics (non-Autistics) will likely never understand and will … Continue reading (Mis)Understanding and Responsibility
Mamautistic 