When things get hectic, stressful, or busy I often will get low on words. This isn’t the same thing as losing words completely, but my ability to effectively communicate becomes lessened.
I began writing this post months ago, but April’s interactions with non-Autistics have already stolen many of my words so it’s very relevant right now. It helps that I’d already written most of this ahead of time during post-low words times.
I often start to notice my word tank being close to empty when there are more misunderstandings than usual. After a few increased incidences, I will begin to wonder if it’s me and not the other people, after all.
Usually it is me when there’s a pattern like that, although interactions this month seem to be an exception to that general rule. I’m also learning more about how allistics (non-Autistics) also contribute to misunderstandings in their own ways.
Most important to me is how it feels once I take the time to notice that this communication difficulty is happening.
Trying to communicate during times like this feels a bit like running through mud or how I imagine it would feel to run through molasses. The attempt, at any rate. Maybe it’s not possible to actually run through molasses, although I suspect the probability of success would have something to do with how deep the molasses was.
I try to say things, communicate with people, yet nobody understands any of the words I manage to say or write. Writing is often easier, but not always effective even so.
There are days like this with actions as well. Where I’ll try my hardest, but nothing is getting done, even though I want to do things. In the case of low words, no helpful words are getting said or written even though I want to communicate effectively with people.
I can still speak and write some words, but they might not be coherent or make sense to the people who are listening. My vocabulary will be smaller, but I won’t generally lose the big pretentious archaic words, just the little modern ones that more effectively communicate with most other people.
A friend observed the other day while we were chatting online that my language becomes much more formal when I’m tired. Tiredness can cause this to happen, but other times it feels as though something unknown will suddenly pop out of nowhere and steal my words or the ability to create understandable meaning out of them.
No matter how rested I am. No matter how much I want to communicate. No matter how good my intentions are.
It’s all misunderstood, which of course can then lead to completely losing my words and then I’m unable to even attempt an explanation.
It is all quite exhausting.