I’m alive!

And I very nearly wasn’t.

As it turns out, I’ve been pretty severely depressed for years now. My alleged friend in 2018 took full advantage of my depressed state and by the time I’d started dating my girlfriend last summer (yes, I’m married to a man and have a girlfriend — maybe I’ll write more about that another time) I was struggling to leave the house by myself.

CW: Suicidal ideation in the next two paragraphs

Everything sort of culminated on January 1st of this year when I found myself crying in the bathtub after a shower. At that point I began to think about everything I could possibly do in order to end my life.

But each time I’d think of something, I’d also think about being discovered. By my children. By my partners. By the neighbors. And so I sat in the tub, water off, and cried and cried until I was freezing cold.

Nobody was home at this point and I was terrified that I’d actually do something to harm myself. So I called and managed to somehow impress upon my husband the immediate danger of the situation so that he, my girlfriend, and our children returned.

My girlfriend took me to her house for a few weeks in order to better take care of me in an environment where I wouldn’t also feel guilty about not taking care of my younger children. She fed me, made sure I got out of the house and showered regularly, and kept me in better spirits than I’d been in a long time.

By then, she’d realized that she was in a bad marriage (bad for both her AND her husband, it was just a seriously toxic situation) and I was doing so poorly that she and her teenage son moved into our house at the end of January. This has worked out pretty well in the long run, although having so many Autistic and ADHD adults in one house is a bit… unproductive.

Still, we’re doing pretty well all told. It’s a closed triad that we naturally sort of fell into. Only I was dating her at first and then she got to know my husband and fell for him too. I’m not particularly polyamorous (I’m not particularly into men — my husband is my best friend though) and it’s been difficult for me to watch them be polyamorous with each other.

I think it’s mainly difficult because I end up alone a lot of the time. This normally wouldn’t be a problem but I’ve been depressed so it can get tricky and I often struggle to be alone with myself..

I started antidepressants earlier this year and an atypical antipsychotic more recently in order to (off label) treat my depression and to help me pause before I melt down about upsetting things. The medications have both helped, which is nice, but I’m still tired and we need to pack the house soon for an upcoming move (during a pandemic!) so I will likely not be back to write here until we’re more settled into our new place.

The new place is huge so everyone will have their own spaces to get away from everyone else when needed.

Such an important thing when everyone has competing sensory needs!

And I’ll update you all about the move at some point, I’m sure 🙂

2 thoughts on “I’m alive!

  1. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with such an intense period of suicidality. I know something of what it’s like to live with that from own experience; I’m so sorry you’ve been going through it. I’m glad you have people who have been able to help you through some of the worst of it. I don’t think I could handle polyamory. I did get intertwined a bit in my early 20s during a very chaotic period. It didn’t really go well. Clear communication and boundaries are … not my strong suit.

    My eldest, on the other hand, appears to be thriving with an extended and apparently pretty open and fluid polycule. There are four who are her closest relationships (3 sexual and 1 non-sexual from her perspective) or at least that’s what I would gather since those are the four whose names I know. But apparently she has other, less emotionally close or intimate partners. The last two years for her birthday, she’s had a bonfire party on the beach where everyone in her extended polycule is invited with whomever else they choose to invite. She enjoys it a lot. She and her husband, David, were on an episode of Normalizing Non-monogamy she shared with me.


    I wish you the best and hope everything keeps improving.

    Liked by 1 person

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