Difficult Days

It’s easier to write on the better days and there have been a lot of difficult days lately. So, on this difficult day, I’m attempting to capture some things now. It’s not an exhaustive/complete list by any means, but I have a vague idea of this still being a good thing to try and write.

On difficult days I usually forget to eat (I feed the children because they remind me, as they have since birth) and my mind gets all floaty and words are mushier than usual. This is true even if I have recently eaten so it’s not all low blood sugar effects, but probably partially.

Everything is extra even more too loud and bright. It relentlessly presses in against my brain.

I over-explain everything more than usual.

Distractions are more distracting.

I sometimes seek out interesting research topics to keep my mind busy somehow. I don’t always retain the things I research during these times, but it can be pretty frenzied/intense.

Other times I just sleep. A lot.

My facade melts away as the “appropriate” facial expressions and tones of voices elude me. I am unable to grasp what they are, when they might be helpful/appropriate, and how to create them.

My language sometimes becomes more formal and precise in an effort to mitigate/lessen the effects of not being able to mimic non-autistic tones and body language even a little bit.

I stop remembering simple words. I have to look up words like “mitigate” if I want to find a more commonly used synonym or way of saying it. I know the word means what I want to say, but can’t parse it down into its meaning without seeking out the help of a dictionary or thesaurus.

My words sometimes disappear either partially or completely. Usually I can still write or type, but sometimes not even that is available.

I often can’t make decisions or get things done without specific guidance and input from others.

Somehow I still manage to care for my children – fed, clothed, etc – even on the most difficult days. Helping others can often bypass some of the things that seem to short-circuit on days like this. Maybe because that helps provide some needed guidance.

In a crisis, even on a difficult day, I can generally gather up reserves and manage until it’s over, even though it’s exhausting and not so great in the long term.

Insomnia gets worse, fatigue during the day gets worse, and I just want to be left alone.

Planning is impossible. I couldn’t wash a dish I needed earlier today because it was underneath other dishes and I couldn’t work out how to unbury it. It was too much work to figure out. And that’s why I didn’t eat lunch. Such a little, simple thing.

I’m going to just post this now. No summation or anything. There’s nothing more I can add right now anyhow.

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