Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who kept me on this plane of existence over the last few months. You ALL are priceless to me ❤
Some of you don’t even know I exist (Sarah Kendzior and Andrea Chalupa, whose podcast Gaslit Nation helped me initially realize that I had been gaslit all last year by someone I’d completely trusted up until that point) and many more of you have never met me in person, but you were there for me when it really counted and I’m going to try to adequately express my gratitude!
I doubted my sanity and you showed me that my thoughts and feelings made more sense than I ever could’ve realized on my own.
I doubted my reality and you showed me that my experiences were 100% valid and reasonable.
I thought I was worthless and you helped me see that I had worth.
I blamed myself for everything that happened and you used logic to neatly pull apart the threads that had been used to tie me into (figurative) knots.
You reminded me that I couldn’t have known or acted upon any information others had kept from me because I didn’t know about it! I can only act based on what I know and I was acting based on things I’d been specifically told by someone I trusted to tell me the truth.
You reminded me that other people’s lies are their responsibility and not mine. My responsibility was to put right the things I did while believing those lies and I’ve done my best to do that.
My life has become incredible beyond anything I could’ve dreamed of during my months of pain and doubt!
I’ve been able to use my energy to help my actual friends who don’t lie to me in order to gain my trust and sympathy and assistance. I absolutely adore helping people I care about and it blows my mind that someone thought they needed to gaslight me into helping them.
Like, I cannot even figure out how to adequately illustrate how ridiculous it was for someone to put any kind of energy into deceiving me to help them. They could’ve just been up-front, honest, and asked and I would’ve been more than happy to do anything I could to help. It’s what I do.
I’m doing work that I love, involving traveling and first-hand research of primary source materials. I get to write and talk at length about my research and interests while people LISTEN and are actually interested!
Someone (much older and more formally educated than I am) asked me last weekend, after chatting with me about my research, if I was working on my doctorate!!! I didn’t even graduate from high school, y’all, and my two years at college very nearly destroyed me.
My children are doing beautifully and I’ve been there to watch their wins as well as their struggles.
I have a solid group of friends and an amazing Counterpart who call me on my shit and also have my back when I need support.
Most of all, I’ve learned a few important things from the support of you lovely people:
Everyone does harmful things to others sometimes. Some of the time (I’d like to think it’s most of the time) it’s not done on purpose, but sometimes intent and purpose don’t matter.
Sometimes the only thing that matters or can be done is to separate yourself from the harm that you are experiencing and the people who are causing the harm.
This is why I’m uninterested in placing blame in my situation last year. It’s not worth my time. Because the only things that matter are that:
- I was harmed, horrifically so.
- My abuser began abusing me more overtly (and recruited a formerly trusted close friend of mine to help them abuse me) as I became more expressive and vocal about the harm I was experiencing.
- Therefore my abuser was either legitimately unable to stop their harmful behavior or they maliciously chose to escalate when I was at my weakest.
- Either way, they (and anyone who believes their lies) are toxic to me.
- I’m OUT and DONE and no longer in contact with or being harmed by that person (TP) or by anyone who still believes TP’s lies.
And I’m only out because of wonderful people like YOU who kept me grounded in reality despite all of TP’s efforts to remove me from it.
I suspect now that some of my fear surrounding telling anyone about TP last year was not only because TP had convinced me way back in April that it would be better to keep the things they’d told me a secret, but also because on some level I knew that others would find the holes in the stories I was being told.
And I didn’t want those holes to be found.
I desperately wanted TP to be the amazing person they presented themself as being. I didn’t want TP to be an illusion.
But what I want isn’t always the same as what actually IS. And the only way to deal successfully with the world or with other people is by accepting what IS, not by believing anyone’s skillful lies just because they mesh up with what I want to believe is true.
Illusions are not real and I am beyond thankful to everyone who swooped in like the Scooby Squad to expose the fake monsters that were plaguing me.
I truly believe that TP would’ve gotten away with destroying my mental health, and maybe even my very existence, if it wasn’t for my wonderful “meddling” friends and I will always be thankful ❤