Words have been difficult again for a long time.

In my mind I can often make the words, but then they won’t come out or when they do come out it’s not how I intended them to.

So I’ve been rethinking about talking at all. The fact is that I do better when I don’t talk. I’m able to make my body language match my intentions if I’m not having to worry about saying words or what my tone of voice might be doing without my full knowledge or consent.

But not talking at all hasn’t worked in the past for very long. Because (most of the time) I (strictly speaking) CAN make the words come out (even though it’s exceedingly taxing and often inaccurate) I always end up talking again.

Because of that, I forget that I don’t need to talk, that I actually CAN use alternative methods. It’s allowed and okay.

But talking is so much of a default state in our societal expectations that it’s difficult for it not to be default for me too. Even to my detriment because, for me, speaking words isn’t a reliable form of communication.

Still, I’ve struggled to manage not-talking either. It takes a longer time so…

Instead I often resort to the faster but less accurate speaking of words.

Even when I don’t want to.